By the time most of us reach our 60s, we’ve gotten very good at letting go of things we’re told to let go of.

We’ve let go of unrealistic expectations about our adult children’s choices. We’ve let go of relationships that no longer serve us. We’ve let go of the exhausting belief that we have to hold every family crisis together with our own two hands. If you’ve done any of that work – and if you’re reading this, I suspect you have – you deserve real credit. That work is hard, and most of the world doesn’t acknowledge how hard.

But here’s what almost nobody tells you about that work: letting go isn’t actually the finish line. It’s the doorway into a much harder, much quieter question. And it’s one I find most women over 60 are reluctant to even ask out loud.

Who am I, now that I’m not holding everyone else together?

For decades, you knew exactly who you were. You were the one who remembered the doctor’s appointments, smoothed the family conflicts, showed up at 2 a.m. when someone needed you, carried the emotional weather of the household even when nobody asked you to. That identity, exhausting as it was, came with a built-in answer to “who am I.” You were the indispensable one.

Now you’ve done the work of releasing some of that. The kids are grown and, mostly, managing their own lives. You’ve stopped trying to control outcomes that were never yours to control.

You’ve set the burden down.

And in its place is a silence that feels less like freedom and more like standing in an empty room you don’t recognize.

Why This Hits Differently After 60

I think there’s a particular weight to this question at this stage of life that younger women don’t yet feel. In your 30s or 40s, “who am I now” feels like it has decades of runway to figure out. At 60 and beyond, the question can feel more urgent, even a little frightening – as though you’re supposed to already have the answer by now, and the fact that you don’t means something has gone wrong.

I want to push back on that directly: nothing has gone wrong. The reason this question feels new is that it is new. You haven’t had the space to ask it before. You’ve been too busy being needed.

This is actually the gift hiding inside the disorientation. For the first time in a very long time, the question of who you are isn’t tangled up with who needs you. It’s just about you.

The Trap: Treating This as a Problem to Think Your Way Out Of

Here is where I see so many capable, intelligent women get stuck. They treat “who am I now” as a riddle to solve through more reflection – more journaling, more long walks turning the question over and over, more conversations that circle the same ground without landing anywhere.

I understand the instinct. We’ve spent our lives being the thoughtful ones, the planners, the ones who think three steps ahead. But identity at this stage of life doesn’t usually arrive through more thinking. It arrives through doing – through small, concrete actions that tell you something thinking alone never could.

You don’t need another decade of reflection. You need a structured way to take one honest step.

Where to Actually Start

If you’re standing in this exact disorientation, here is the smallest, most honest place to begin. Ask yourself three simple questions: Where have I been? Where am I right now? Where am I going?

Not as an assignment to get right, but as an honest five-minute check-in – the kind of attention you’ve given everyone else for decades but rarely turned toward yourself.

I created a short, free guide built entirely around those three questions, called the Second Act Soul Check-In. It isn’t homework. It’s a starting point, designed to take five minutes and ask nothing of you except honesty.

And if you’re ready to move past reflection into actual forward motion, that is precisely what I built I Ain’t Dead Yet to do. It’s a seven-day process – not vague journaling prompts, but a structured method for turning “who am I now” into a real, lived answer. I wrote it because I needed exactly this after my own life rearranged itself in my 50s and 60s, and because nothing on the shelf was built for women asking this particular question at this particular stage.

You did the hard work of letting go. Give yourself permission to do the next hard, hopeful work of finding out who’s been waiting underneath it all along.

Let’s Discuss:

What role or responsibility have you recently let go of that, despite its exhaustion, gave you a clear sense of identity and purpose?

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Photo: @paige_desorbo

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Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you went there? Opened your laptop and completely blanked on the password you’ve used for years? Lost your train of thought halfway through a conversation?

If so, you’re not alone.

One of the most common concerns I hear from women who are 60 plus:

“I feel as though I’m losing my mind.”

Many assume they’re becoming less capable, less intelligent, or even developing early dementia.

The reality is usually far less frightening and much more fixable.

As a recovery coach and founder of Tribe Sober, I’ve spent the last decade working with older women who are trying to improve their health, energy and wellbeing.

Brain fog is one of the most common symptoms they report.

The good news?

Understanding what’s causing it is often the first step towards clearing it.

What Exactly Is Brain Fog?

Brain fog isn’t a medical diagnosis. It’s a collection of symptoms that affect cognitive performance, including:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Poor memory
• Mental fatigue
• Reduced motivation
• Trouble finding words
• Feeling mentally “slower” than usual

Many women describe it as trying to think through cotton wool. The frustrating thing is that outwardly they may still appear successful and competent. They’re running businesses, caring for family members and juggling multiple responsibilities.

Yet internally they feel they’re operating at only 70% of their usual capacity.

The Perfect Storm of Our 60s

Our later years can create a perfect storm for cognitive overload. Many of us are still working and caring for grandchildren in our spare time. We are helping our adult children and navigating relationship changes – all while dealing with disrupted sleep.

Chronic stress raises cortisol levels, which can impair concentration and memory over time. It’s hardly surprising that many women who are 60+ feel mentally exhausted and tired all the time.

In fact I woke up on my 60^th birthday feeling exhausted. I thought it was my age, but in fact it was my wine…

The Alcohol Connection Nobody Talks About

Many women use alcohol as a stress-management tool – I know I did. A glass of wine at the end of a busy day can feel like a reward, a comfort or a way to switch off.

The problem is that alcohol disrupts sleep, even if it initially helps us fall asleep.

Research shows that alcohol reduces restorative sleep quality and contributes to fragmented sleep patterns. Many women wake at 3am feeling anxious, restless or unable to get back to sleep.

When this becomes a regular pattern, brain fog often follows.

Many women are astonished by the mental clarity they experience after taking an extended break from alcohol. They tell me they feel sharper, more focused, more productive and emotionally steadier.

One member of our program described it perfectly:

“I thought I needed wine because I was stressed. It turned out I was stressed because I was drinking wine.”

Why We Mistake Brain Fog for Personal Failure

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of brain fog is the story we tell ourselves about it.

Women who have spent decades being capable, organised and high-achieving often assume their struggles are a personal failing.

They become self-critical, start doubting themselves and lose confidence. Yet brain fog is often a signal rather than a flaw. It’s the brain’s way of saying: “I need better support.”

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” a more helpful question is: “What is my brain trying to tell me?”

Five Ways to Clear the Fog

While there’s no instant solution, there are several evidence-based strategies that can make a significant difference:

1. Prioritise Sleep

Quality sleep is one of the most powerful cognitive enhancers available.

Focus on creating a consistent sleep routine and reducing anything that interferes with deep, restorative sleep.

2. Review Your Relationship with Alcohol

Consider taking a break from drinking for a few weeks and observe how your concentration, memory and energy levels respond.

Many women are surprised by the difference.

3. Move Your Body

Exercise increases blood flow to the brain and supports the growth of new neural connections. Even a daily walk can improve mental clarity.

4. Reduce Cognitive Overload

Our brains were never designed to process constant notifications, emails and information streams. Simplifying your environment can dramatically improve focus.

5. Practise Self-Compassion

Brain fog is frustrating, but beating yourself up about it only adds another layer of stress. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend experiencing the same symptoms.

You’re Not Losing Your Mind

One of the most reassuring messages I can offer women is this:

Brain fog is common. It’s often temporary. In many cases, it’s reversible.

Your brain may be asking for rest, recovery, support or lifestyle adjustments – but it’s not necessarily signalling decline.

Many of the women I work with settle into their alcohol-free lifestyle feeling more energetic, focused and mentally sharp than they have in years.

Sometimes the fog isn’t a sign that you’re falling apart.

It’s simply a sign that something in your life needs attention.

A Simple First Step – Accelerate Alcohol Free Challenge

Starts on 11^th July!

Join us for our next 21-day alcohol free challenge on 11^th July – Accelerate!

Many participants are surprised by how much better they feel after just three weeks without alcohol.

Better sleep, more energy, improved focus and a sense of achievement are common benefits.

The 21-day Accelerate programme provides the tools, community and accountability to build lasting change and create an alcohol-free lifestyle that feels rewarding rather than restrictive.

You can find out more about Accelerate by clicking on this link.

See you at the Challenge!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Does your brain feel overwhelmed? How have you been living that’s causing this? Do you think you’ve been experiencing brain fog?

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